Scandal is…….Scandalous !!!!

 

Okay, I’m pretty sure that all of you know the show Scandal right? Well, tonight was the season premier of the show’s second season && it was….SCANDALOUS !!! Unfortunately, I’m not here to talk about tonight’s show. In fact, I want to talk about one detail of the show, probably the most important detail of the show….Olivia && the President’s affair. I could talk about the fact that the President is having an affair or the fact that he’s a white male having an affair with a black woman. While those will make for good discussions, I want to talk about the fact that Olivia made it look as if it was okay to be the other woman.

I know in the first season she ended the relationship, but it was clear that they both still loved each other. Also, the President wanted to leave his wife for Olivia….which brings me to my question:

 

Is there any circumstance or situation where it is okay to be the other woman?

Personally, I don’t believe that it’s okay in any situation to be the other woman. Now I know the saying that you can’t help who you fall in love with, but if you just so happen to fall in love with a married individual and they love you in return, then I feel like there shouldn’t be anything stopping you to from being together….meaning, I feel like they should get a divorce and be with you. I know some people “say” that they love someone but can’t be with them because staying married or where they are at is for the best && frankly I don’t believe that crap. I believe that if you believe that you’ve found the love of your life, the person meant for you, then you two being together shouldn’t hurt anyone, including those around you. These are just my opinion lol !!!

Until next time….

D.A

A Weird Feeling…

I know this is a new year and everyone is supposed to be happy && starting over, but for some reason I am finding it very hard to be happy. I don’t know what it is. I have so many reasons to be happy and thankful, but I still feel empty, I still feel  alone. I can say that I’ve stopped smoking. I know it’s only been three days, but I haven’t been craving a cigarette like I thought I would be. The last couple of times I’ve tried to stop smoking, especially cold turkey, it didn’t turn out that well…obviously, but for some reason this time feels different. I did pray about it so, I’m assuming that’s the reason for my success (Thanks to the Man above!!). Besides that, I also feel as if I’m transforming. I can’t explain it exactly, but I feel that I’m changing…for the better. I don’t know I feel as if there were some things that I left in 2012, I feel light, I feel FREE!!! I’ve never felt this way before, but I can tell you that I love this feeling. I feel that life is finally worth living and that I’m going to live it for myself because nobody else can or will. I feel as if I can finally start living !!!!

Now even though that is all good, I can’t really enjoy this feeling as much as I would like because I feel so alone. These last three days I feel as if I’ve been cut off from civilization (which I haven’t, but…). I haven’t even spoken to my best friend, which is not normal. I keep getting the vibe that she’s trying to avoid me. I don’t know, maybe I’m just being paranoid….once again, I don’t know. Maybe I’m suppose to be by myself until this “transformation” is complete or maybe this is God’s way of giving me the “alone” time that I’ve been wanting and wishing for lately….I don’t know. Hopefully it’ll all work out soon.

Until next time…

D.A.

Trust: Something Easily Broken….

I know that one of my biggest problems that I have, not only in my journey of finding love, but in life in general is trust. I have a problem trusting other people. I want to be able to trust others, or even begin to start trusting others, but I just can’t bring myself to do so. Most people who’ve had trust issues is due to the fact that they have had some traumatic experience, usually a bad relationship, that has caused them not to want to trust anyone else……well I haven’t. I haven’t had a traumatic experience, but more so, many smaller, bad experiences. They range from bad relationships with family members, some “friends,” and one bad relationship. I’ve already talked about my bad relationship some so I guess I can talk about the others for a moment. I’ll start with those “friendships” that went wrong, I’m not sure I’m ready to discuss my family issues just yet. When I was younger, I never really had any close friends, well at least not until I was in middle school (or jr. high, as some people like to call it). I met this girl in middle school and we became immediate friends, I guess because we were so much alike. Like most friendships, we had an occasional disagreement, but it would be over in like 5 minutes. Everything was okay until we both became friends with two more girls. Somehow some drama started our sophomore year of high school and we went from being best friends to enemies. At first I was so confused as to how she could go from being my best friend to instantly not liking me because I wanted to stay neutral in the drama that she and the other girls had going on. That was the first time my TRUST had beenBROKEN. I had trusted her more than most people who I knew at the time and I couldn’t believe that she could do something like that. Even though I didn’t realize it at the time, that day I started building a wall around myself, a fortress. Every time that something would happen where someone had tried to hurt me emotionally or mentally, or had tried to take advantage of me……every time that someone had broken my trust, I added another brick or layer to my fortress. Now I’m clinging to that fortress for dear life because it has become almost like a security blanket for me. It’s as if it protects me from ever being hurt, misused, or mistreated again. But now…..now I’m coming to realize that it’s not that much of a security blanket….it’s not protecting me. It’s no longer keeping all the bad things out. Now the only thing it’s doing is keeping me locked in. I’m being held prisoner by something I built to help me protect myself.  I find it frustrating because logically I know that I have to overcome this, that I have to breakout, but emotionally I don’t want to. I want so bad to be able to trust him (at this point I don’t think I even need to mention his name) but I’m finding that I can’t break out of this fortress that I’ve built around myself, I’ve crashed into that wall. You guys may think that I sound right crazy when I post, and honestly I don’t care if you guys do…in fact I think I’m crazy half the times too. This whole situation has taken me to a place that I’ve never been to and I find that it scares the crape out of me. I don’t know what to do anymore, I don’t know what to think. Some days I’m so depressed that I don’t want to anything except curl up into a ball and cry…..and it’s all because I can’t break free from this prison I’ve made for myself.

Until next time…

D.A.

The End Is Only The Beginning

Lately I’ve had a lot of time to think…..and I’ve decided that I need to focus on myself more than what I am. I have a lot of issues that just aren’t going to go away over night. For example, I have really bad trust issues. Sometimes it gets to the point where I can’t even trust myself and if I can’t trust myself then who can I trust? As much as I don’t want to admit it, I’m glad that I didn’t tell Mr. B.A. of my feelings for him because if I had and things did go the way that I wanted to and we ended up making it official, I believe that I would have caused a lot problems because of the many issues that I have going on with myself. I realize that I can’t start any kind of relationship without first working on myself. Not only do I have to learn how to trust, but I also have to learn how to love, starting with myself. I know it’s a process that is going to take some time, but time is all I have at this point and I’m willing to do the work so that I can be a better me. So I guess I can say that this is the end of a very confusing chapter in my life. I can not put into words how much I wanted for things to work out with me && Mr. B.A.. In fact I don’t even look at it as the end of a chapter, I look at as a “to be continued…” type of thing. Who knows what’s liable to happen once I’m done working on myself ???

Another thing that is coming to an end is 2012. I’m not rushing time or anything, but this is one year that I’m not going to be sad about saying goodbye to. I’ve had to deal with so much this year that I’m ready for it to end already. I have learned a lot though during this past year. I’ve learned that no matter what life throws your way, you still have to keep pressing forward. I’ve learned that things aren’t always going to peachy, but during those times that you don’t know what’s going to happen or how you’re going to make it, you have to cling to your faith and know that everything is going to be okay. Even though I’m not as strong as I could be or as I should be, I became stronger in this last year. So along with saying goodbye to 2012, I will also be saying goodbye to all of the issues that I have been dealing with and have going on in my life right now. 2013 is will be my year. No, I’m not going for the cliché “a new year, a new me”…..no I’m going for something along the lines of “a better year, a better me.” 2013 is the year for me to better myself and I’m looking forward to.

Until next time…..

D.A.

Oh and before I completely forget……..

I Can’t Make You Love Me

I believe that the title && picture says it all…..I can’t make you love me if you don’t. I mean what more am I going to have to do ??? I can’t do this to myself anymore. I’m not even 100% sure that I do love you considering that I really don’t even know what love is. All is know is that I want to be the reason that you smile because even though you don’t know it, you’re the reason I smile. I look forward to every day because it’s a new day that I may have the chance to talk to you, hear your voice, see you. My chest hurts every time that I see you because my heart can’t make up its mind on whether or not it wants to stop beating or go into overdrive. This funny feeling comes over me whenever someone mentions your name. I want to give you all of me. I want you to know the real me, not the person that I show everyone else, but the real me, who I am. I want you to know all of my secrets, I want to dedicate my life to you. I can picture a future with you and I’ve never been able to do that before. I don’t know….you drive me crazy.

But, all of that doesn’t matter if you don’t feel the same way about me and my pride won’t allow me beg. I was strong before I had these feelings for you…..So I’m telling myself that this is really it. I can’t continue to wait for you, knowing that you may never love me. I can’t. I won’t. So right now, at this moment, I’m doing what’s right……I’m giving up this fight. I know that I can’t make you love and I know that you may never love me, but just know that I love you.

The “C word”……Cheating

Okay, after that last post, I’ve still been doing some thinking and that has led me to another topic……cheating.

What would you do if you found out that your significant other was cheating? The first emotional reactions of most people is anger, hurt, pain, etc.. Because of these emotions, most people want to hurt their boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife the way that they hurt them or they may leave them. Personally, I’ve never had anyone to cheat on me so I don’t know exactly how I would react in that situation. However, I believe that instead of leaving your significant other, I believe that you should take a step back from you feelings and analyze the situation, weighing the pros and cons before making any decision. I don’t think if someone cheats, that that’s a reason to end a relationship. If you end a relationship that quickly then did the relationship even mean anything in the first place?

A Confession

I know it’s been a while and if you are wondering, I am doing much better health wise, even though it seems like I’m trying to come down with a cold right now. Anywho, since I’ve been stuck in the house with nothing to do, I’ve had a lot of time to think and reflect on my past. A song came on that made me think of something that I’ve been trying not to think of. You know how it feels when you have done something that you’re not proud of, so you didn’t tell anyone about it? Then it starts to bother you so much until you just have to tell someone…….well, I have a confession like that. Around April of this year, I met a guy (or man, I should say), and he expressed an interest in me. He was an older guy….about twenty years older than myself. He was nice looking and easy to talk to. I thought there wouldn’t be anything wrong just with flirting with him….it was harmless flirting after all. However, some things happened and to make a long story short, I eventually had sex with him. The age difference isn’t the thing that I’m ashamed of…..not only was he twenty years older than myself, he was also married. When we had sex, I didn’t know if he was married or not, so I assumed he wasn’t. After I found out that he was married, we were already building a friendship, calling and texting each other. That only made matters worse. I ended up having sex with him again, this time knowing that he was married. After this we continued to have a friendship until I realized that I didn’t want my husband to do the same thing to me. I started feeling guilty because I used to hear about women having relationships with married men and judge them, but here I was doing the same thing. Around August I ended whatever it was that we had. I couldn’t do it anymore. At the time I was beginning to become more active in my church and I knew what I had done was wrong. So to all the men and women out there, if you are thinking about starting a relationship with a married woman/man, please take it from me don’t do it. You are worth too much to settle for half of someone else and in the end you would never mean as much to them as their spouse do. If you are already in a relationship with someone who is married, end it. I know your feelings may have already grown for this person, but do you really think that they are going to leave the person that they are married to for you? Think about it, you have made it easy for them to have their cake and eat it too. You shown them that what they are doing is okay, that you will continue to be with them even if they are married. Why would they give that up? We, as individuals, have to start demanding more of our counterparts. We have to let them know that we value ourselves to much to settle for half of a relationship, half of a life. We have to show them that we respects ourselves so they have to respect us as well.

I feel a lot better about telling someone about that. Even though I’m sitting here on my computer, just typing away, I just told the biggest secret I’ve been keeping to anybody who will read this. Well that’s all for tonight.

Until next time…

D.A.

I’m Back !!!

So it has been a while since my last post…a month to be exact. I’ve been dealing with some medical complications. I’ve been dealing with this for the last four years and just recently it’s been causing me a lot of issues. I’ve had to make a few trips to the emergency room, but thankfully I didn’t need to be hospitalized. So for the past month I have just been taking it easy. I’m keeping this post short and simple. I just wanted to let you know what’s been going on with me! Keep me in your prayers and I’ll keep you guys updated !!!

Oh, before I forget, that has been a change with Mr. B.A…….not a good one though! I’ll let you know in my next post.

Until next time…

D.A

Growing Up

I just realized today that I know what I want out of my next relationship. I’m tired of the whole “hooking-up” thing, that’s old to me now. I don’t want something just for now, I looking for something that will last. I want a lifetime with someone rather than one night. I want someone who’s going to be there for me, always in my corner and I want to do the same for them. I need someone who will be able to hold me down through whatever comes our way, and I will do the same for them. I want a relationship built off of trust, love, respect, loyalty, and balance. I know my self-worth and I’m looking for someone who will appreciate it and value me as much as I value myself.

As a girlfriend, I’m always loyal. I can honestly say that I have never cheated on any guy I’ve been in a relationship with (even though I came very close one 4th of July night lol). Even if I had cheated on that night, it would have been a mistake. It’s my theory that there is absolutely no need whatsoever to cheat. If you feel that you want to be with someone else or sleep with someone else, just let me know and I’ll be more than happy to go my way and you can go your way. Depending on my feelings for you I may be hurt a little be, but I would respect you more if you come to me and let me know before you cheat than if you cheat on me then tell me afterwards or if I find out on my own. If I really care about you I would be absolutely devastated but due to my sometimes stubborn pride, I would let you go without even shedding a tear (in front of you lol). All in all, there’s just no reason to cheat at all. When I’m in a relationship with you, I’m with you and only you. No matter if I’m deeply in love or if I just “care” about you, I’m still there for you no matter what. I’m your girlfriend, I’m going to cater to you (don’t mistake that for me doing everything for you), I’m going to be there as a friend, I’m going to try my absolute best to please you any and every way that I can….BUT, once our relationship is over, that’s it. It’s over. I don’t believe in going back to someone, or looking back in the past. How can I see where I’m headed in my future if I’m constantly looking back?

A New Approach At Life

My love life is still at a standstill, there hasn’t been anything new with Mr. B.A. or anyone else for that matter. I have been doing some soul-searching, however, and I have come to some conclusions. I believe that everyone has their own ideas and beliefs about what love is. I was having a conversation with my best friend and she made the comment that she believes that once you fall in love with someone it’s like giving them complete control over you. I had never thought of love as being that way, but after thinking about it….I completely agree. Then, I started to wonder why do I feel that way? I believe that it all boils down to this, TRUST. I have a hard time trusting anyone I’m in a relationship with…..well anyone for that matter. I’ve been hurt by past relationships and friendships that I can’t open up to people any more. I mean there are people who I can hang out with and have fun, but I never let my guard down. Well most people will say that if you’re not being yourself then you’re being fake, but it’s not like I’m trying to be someone I’m not. I still go out and have fun, I just can’t trust people, I’m very straight forward and take things at face value. I mean I do know how to joke, but only with the people who I do trust. I would have to say that I only trust a handful of people….about 4 total.

So the point that I am trying to make is that I have to work on issues that I have going on with myself before I could even think about entering into another relationship. The way I am looking at it is,  I have to work on the become the woman who my future husband needs me to be. I have to work on my self-esteem, trust, self-worth, my ability to open myself up and put myself out there.

I believe that if everyone could come to the conclusion that life isn’t fair so therefore everything isn’t going to easy and picture perfect then it would make life a lot easier. I know that I’m going to end up happy eventually, but until then I have to work on being happy….alone, single.

Until next time

D.A.